(Photo by Hilary Valdez/Stripes Korea)
When I see a baby or toddler I think, what will that child become? Each new life carries the seeds of hope and the mystery of what is yet to unfold. Then reality sets in when I look at an actuarial table. How long will I live? Trained in experimental psychology, I plot my life and events into a graph model. It makes my life easier. Usually, I break things down into thirds. One-third of the population likes me, one-third doesn’t like me, one-third are indifferent. I just focus on the third who like me.
For instance, in the first third of my life, I was busy learning about myself, other people and the world. My friendships involved shared routines, games, riding bicycles, Boy Scouts, Trick-or-Treating and collecting a bag of treats. Childhood was a time of exploration, daydreaming about my future, reading comic books, and wondering what the world was like. What’s out there?
Then came seventh grade, Disneyland and a I became a bit more studious entering high school. Not ready for college, a bunch of us graduating seniors thought it would be fun to join the Marine Corps. A few friends didn’t make it through boot camp, that was upsetting. They cried when they had to leave; I was sad and disappointed.
Maturing, I searched for direction. Friends I had in high school, disappeared. Veterans I had in the Corps, went their separate ways. Once I completed academic studies my circle of relationships began to narrow. Friends moved away and I started to face the fragility of life. Each farewell of a friend or the end of a relationship left a mark on my individuality. But lost friendships and relationships are never truly gone. Memories keep them alive, the shared laughter, hard times, and moments of kindness remain as spiritual imprints imbedded in my brain and soul. And so ended the first third of my life.
The next third of life brought hardships. These moments tested my strength, built resilience, and deepened my wisdom. Struggles often became my greatest teachers. From hardship came wisdom, I became life smart. With a new job in a new city, I found a renewed sense of purpose that anchored me in life’s uncertainties. I don’t do well with ambiguity. But people, including myself find purpose through work and new friendships. Relationships give life its depth. Through friendships, relationships, marriage and children, we discover that human connections is what truly sustains us.
Then “all of a sudden” at midlife … a midlife crisis which brings reflection: Who am I? What have I built? What truly matters? Work, family, health, divorce, and distance from friends, alter the path we walk. It’s a time of self-realignment and deeper gratitude for what we’ve experienced. Moving overseas with children and a spouse changed my life path. As my body changed to a “Dad-bod,” I learned that health is a precious gift. As I aged, friends drifted away through life’s changing seasons. My children became independent and started their own families and the circle of life continued.
The next third of life began with the “empty-nest syndrome,” then age and retirement changed my rhythm. I begin to see life not only as it appears, but as it truly is, at least how I perceived it. Wisdom allowed me to appreciate simplicity, to be more observant, less lippy and opinionated, to forgive easily and live with grace. Aging begins with acceptance and the understanding that time moves forward and that each stage of life has its own beauty and hardships. Peace comes when we stop resisting the passage of years and start embracing what they bring. Sadly, many of my friends have passed on, not just age related, but due to physical difficulties. That’s difficult for me to witness. I tell myself that death is not an end, but a transformation. Nature renews itself, and life continues in new forms.
Retirement at times can be a lonely experience, friends leave, or new priorities may create distance: it’s evolution … the circle of life. At first, retirement felt like loneliness, but later it became a space for peace and reflection. Being your own best friend helps with everyday survival while maintaining physical well-being, which supports mental and emotional balance. Walking and moderate strength training help with longevity while reducing injuries. I began to value the depth of conversations rather the number of friends: and silence over noise. I don’t want to mourn what friends or partners I lost; gratitude helps me honor what was shared. Every person played a part in shaping who I am today. When I wake in the morning, I have an attitude of gratitude. I give thanks for what remains: the sunrise, living another day, a healthy meal, shelter and the love of family. I learned to forgive the past, not focusing on mistakes, releasing bitterness and focusing on the present moment with peace. Peace comes when we stop resisting the passage of years and start embracing what they bring. It’s up to you.
What does your actuarial table look like?
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Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email. Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
