Hilary Valdez (Photo by Hilary Valdez/Stripes Korea)
Life is not a straight line. The journey at times can be terrifying, balanced by periods of boredom. At different points on my journey I pondered where was I going. What was my purpose? What am I? Who am I? My father would say, “You’re a smart guy, but you’re not thinking.” That didn’t make me feel warm and fuzzy, but it was true. Inner confusion affects all of us at different stages in our lives. During therapeutic sessions, Sigmund Freud would go for walks with his patients. For me, many of my insights often come while walking, or daydreaming. I was waiting for the “Aha!” moment as my mind quietly worked sorting, connecting, and reorganizing information. Yet churning inside all of us are the evolving moments of inner life. In my frustrating and confused moments of life, breakthroughs often came after struggle. When I stopped consciously pushing for answers and just allowed my mind to rest, then my subconscious completes the work. It’s in that instant when the puzzle pieces rearrange themselves into a meaningful whole. As the song goes, “It don’t come easy.”
The first step in personal growth is learning to see yourself clearly. Self-awareness grows in stillness, through reflection, solitude or silence. When I was in the Mojave Desert I had many nights of stillness, gazing up at the brilliant canopy of the stars wondering about the universe, the nature of existence and my role in it. Hard to believe that we are a beautiful blue globe spinning in a dark galaxy with other dark planets rotating in space. In those moments of solitude, when the mind slows down, the truth of who we are begins to surface. But we need the stillness. In early life, we live mostly in instinct and imitation. We absorb the world without question. Our identity is shaped by parents, culture, and circumstance.
When the old definitions no longer satisfy us, we start asking, “Who am I, really?” This is the beginning of self-awareness. We question what our parents taught us, what society expects from us, then separate achievement needs from personal needs. In my early thirties something inside of me began to stir. My discontent, confusion, and identity crisis began. My soul was calling me inward, to begin the real work of becoming. When I quit my job with the Justice Department, my father thought I was crazy. He shook his head and asked, “Are you going to be a hippie, now?” He was disappointed. But as awareness grows, inner conflict arises. I began to see contradictions in society, justice, corruption, unfairness and the gaps between how people live.
I needed a life change. Sure, a person can be book smart, but true self-understanding doesn’t come from affirmations alone. It requires courage to confront the fears, insecurities, and patterns we prefer to hide. When I quit, I didn’t have a safety net. But with naive confidence, the birth of my own authenticity began to grow. I struggled with my growth; it was a fight between the old self and the emerging new one. It was painful, even lonely, and I wondered if I had made a bad decision. I needed to confront my weaknesses, fears, and contradictions, honestly. I wanted to live consciously rather than automatically. My self-awareness was slowly evolving into authenticity.
When I accepted a new job as an Investigator with the Department of Labor I was working with white collar crime and contracts. I asked myself “What did my decision teach me?” I reflected on understanding my experience between jobs. Understanding myself is not a destination but a lifelong unfolding. Each season of life brings new lessons, new depths, and new awakenings. I wanted to have the courage to be genuine in a world of pretense. Every person carries hidden struggles, life is a hard-hat environment, and we need to be resilient and not question life events as being a victim. I decided to stop expecting perfection from people and start appreciating sincerity. Human beings are not meant to be flawless. Just accept your flaws and the flaws of others. When I embrace my imperfections, I become gentler with others; less judgmental.
In the desert, alone, on moonless nights, gazing at shooting stars, I began to realize that to be human is to know that we are small in the vastness of creation. Becoming fully human is an ongoing spiritual journey. Those who face their own shadows find peace. Carl Jung states all humans have a shadow or tail. The shadow represents the unconscious part of the personality that contains everything a person refuses to acknowledge, accepts or identify within themselves often traits, impulses and emotions, that are negative. The journey into self requires honesty, which keeps the soul and your karma clean and the conscience awake. “To be, or not to be, that is the question?” William Shakespeare: Hamlet, Act 3, Scene 1; asked Prince Hamlet reflecting on the meaning of life, existence, and death. And back to you: Are you asleep? Awake? Or enlightened? Your choice.
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Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email. Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
