(Hilary Valdez)
A few years ago, I was in Rockford, Illinois, an idyllic leafy, tree-filled city, north of Chicago, close to Kenosha, Wisconsin. My sister was in serious condition in a hospital, clinging to life. I felt totally helpless trying to comfort her. It was an emotionally crushing moment, when she opened her eyes pleading, “Just let me go.” Sorrow gripped me in a chokehold of tears and pain. I made the decision to terminate her life support. At the gravesite, I realized that life brings suffering; it’s part of life. Life ambushes us. It takes strength to deal with difficulties, and where there is no strength, failure often follows. However, throughout life, strength is built slowly through coping strategies, consistent actions, and inner resolve.
On my return flight to Tokyo, my thoughts swirled. Life exists in transition zones, between grief and healing, between the world of the awful and the world of the routine. In these places, we must develop specialized responses to specific situations. Sometimes those responses are “cuddly and fluffy” like a gentle hug, a soft word, a moment of rest. In the face of suffering or confusion, many instinctively either fight against it or feed into it. But healing begins when we honor what is going on. Don’t fight it. Don’t feed it. See it. Let it be what it is without exaggeration or denial. From this space of acceptance, transformation becomes possible.
In the classroom of life, we are all, at best, “C” students … one lesson stands out: there is no such thing as a reality independent of your perception of it. The way we see the world is the world we live in. Perception shapes not only what we experience, but also how we grow, heal, and move through life’s inevitable transitions.
During the flight, I was feeling anxious and overwhelmed. I closed my eyes and asked myself: What is my body doing? What am I thinking? Have I moved today? What do I want to have happen? Action is the fruit of thought. Small, consistent actions; nutritious food, physical activity, deep rest, and a positive attitude can reduce anxiety and restore hope. But all that happy stuff wasn’t working. That day, I was in a psychological ditch with an emotional flat tire.
My mental health or psychological and emotional wellbeing is shaped by everything from my genetics and brain chemistry to my past experiences and my current environment. Feeling sorry for myself, staring at the clouds, I pondered that my thoughts, feelings, and past experiences act as a filter for the world around me. I reasoned that people don’t respond to events, they respond to their interpretation of those events. I needed to dispute my sorrowful thinking through cognitive restructuring. I began challenging and changing my unhelpful thought patterns; a vital tool in emotional wellness. By reshaping the way I think, I can reshape the way I live. I needed emotional resuscitation and psychological CPR.
Our personal growth and recovery are rooted in the present. To embrace all of today is to acknowledge both our pain and our potential. Growing up, my sister was a major influence in my life. Our history together or the background of my life, with all the old wounds, and early beliefs, is connected to my present. But past events don’t have to influence me forever. Ultimately, the world is not made of truth, it is made up of perceptions of the truth. I just have I rearrange life events and turn the volume down on my grief.
I couldn’t eat on the plane. I was depressed. Depression is anxiety. And behind anxiety? The irritations, confusion, or disorientation of modern life. Disoriented minds are poor problem solvers. I couldn’t afford to be a poor problem solver. I was facing difficulty. I needed more than vague hope, I needed tactics. Tactic-specific thinking paired with a wider strategy for living well. I took my inventory; what can I give? Giving is not weakness. It builds meaning and reduces self-absorption, which is often at the heart of emotional suffering.
Although I was angry, I didn’t want to blame anyone for my sisters demise. One psychological truth remains: once you judge, you must sentence. That’s the danger of being too quick to label people, situations, whether it’s myself or others. Judgment locks things in place. Compassion, on the other hand, opens the door to change. My sister’s common life struggles like anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and substance use, don’t signal brokenness, they’re signals. They ask for care, attention, and often professional support. Unfortunately, she didn’t receive that.
When we begin to see people as value, rather than as threats, burdens, or strangers, we take a step toward compassion and cooperation. Human beings, no matter how different they appear, are remarkably similar in their desires to be safe, loved, and fulfilled. Equality, patience, and compassion aren’t soft luxuries, they are the foundations of human success and progress.
Let your life be paved with compassion. Let your presence be an offering of peace in the world’s classroom. And remember, no matter how confusing things become, no matter how broken you may feel, this isn’t a cause for despair, you are of value. And value always finds a way forward. It’s a call to choose how you see the world. I choose hope. I choose growth. I choose kindness. At the end of my plane ride, my self-declaration of intention brought clarity. I was wounded. But I had a psychological band-aid. I will heal, but my emotional scars are a reminder of the preciousness of life: it’s a value proposition.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email (InstantInsights@hotmail.com). Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
