( Hilary Valdez )
“I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.” - Sigmund Freud, psychoanalyst
Being a father is a lifetime commitment with continual challenges. Fatherhood can be stressful while handling a career and giving time to your child. Each father has to find the balance between work and family obligations. Being a father forces you to look inside of yourself and examine your thoughts and behavior. There are no second chances with fatherhood.
What was your father like? What did he teach you? Do you have his traits? What do you resent about your relationship with your father? If you could turn back the clock, what would you change?
Providing for a family is a significant responsibility. Dads face the challenge of meeting their children’s financial needs while saving for their future. It’s not unusual for fathers to struggle with anxiety, fear, and self-doubt. Fatherhood is fraught with uncertainty, and these emotional hurdles can feel overwhelming. Then add maintaining a positive and supportive relationship with a partner while balancing parenting responsibilities.
Open communication and a willingness to compromise are key when addressing differing parenting styles and opinions. This is critical when the couple is in a bi-cultural, bi-lingual marriage with different religious beliefs, cultural rituals, food preferences, and approaches to raising children.
After working in casualty assistance with the Army, Marine Corps and Navy, I’ve been a witness to fathers losing their lives in service to their country. The grief that accompanies the loss of a father can be all-consuming. It’s not uncommon to experience intense sadness, anger, denial, and bargaining. These emotions can ebb and flow, making the healing process an unpredictable journey.
Losing a husband and father is an indescribably painful experience that can profoundly impact a person’s life. Fathers often serve as pillars of strength, guidance, and love, leaving a void that is difficult, if not impossible, to fill. Healing from the loss of a husband who is also a father is a deeply personal journey, with no right or wrong way to grieve. The loss of a father can alter family dynamics, as each family member copes with grief differently.
Once the father passes, any unresolved issues or unanswered questions will remain a mystery. This can be troublesome for family survivors, since fathers play a major role in shaping their children’s identities. I was with my father just before he passed. I knew there wouldn’t be another time to express my feeling for him. My life changed after that day. He was kind and gentle, he sacrificed his life, to give me a life. I regret not being a better son, not spending more time with him, and not taking more time to understand his struggles and history … to hear his story. But I learned from him that a happy family is a reflection of a good father and a loving husband. As such, I strove to be the best husband and father I could be. Except there was never enough time to spend with children while they are growing up. Then all of a sudden, they are grown up. Then the question arises: did I do a good job shaping their identities and teaching them how to fit into the world? The clock can’t be turned bck.
As a father, what legacy do you leave to your children? Did you provide them with the emotional and psychological strength to cope with life? Do the children have a solid psychological foundation and emotional resiliency to bounce back and cope with adversity. The father is a role model or blueprint for a child’s success. For me the love between myself and my children is one of life’s most profound experiences. Knowing that my children love me, flaws and all, with pimples and dimples, gave me great comfort and happiness.
As I witnessed my children grow into kind, honest, and successful young adults, filled me with pride. But parenthood is a two-way street, as a father you have the chance to impart wisdom and knowledge to your children and simultaneously learn valuable life lessons from them, for example: honesty, humility, patience, tolerance, humbleness, openness, leadership, personal growth, a sense of humor, and love.
“Every father should remember one day his son will follow his example, not his advice.”– Charles Kettering, inventor
Fatherhood is an emotionally rich and complex journey, filled with highs and lows. Despite its hardships and challenges, there is joy making fatherhood worthwhile. As the holidays approach, give thanks to you father for his presence. Rejoice in your relationship. Do something fun together. Yet, take a moment to remember those fathers no longer with us. The fathers who gave their lives serving their country be it with the military, as police officers, firemen, first line responders, and those men who sacrificed their lives serving humanity.
-----
Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email (InstantInsights@hotmail.com). Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
