(Hilary Valdez)
Illness humbles us all, but it can also draw families closer in care, compassion, and connection. When my sisters and I were taking care of my father in his final days on earth, it wasn’t so much about his deteriorating health, it was his spiritual and emotional journey. He passed quietly at home, surrounded by trees, birds chirping and the smell of the flowers I planted for him below his bedroom window. In his final moments I asked: What truly matters to me now? These quiet moments reveal the best in us. My father was quiet, dignified, self-assured, even in his final moments of his life: it was a sacred time of connection, gratitude, and grace. I thanked him for his leadership and shaping me into the person that I had become. He looked at me and nodded.
To be a caregiver is a quiet act of love, service and respect for life. All of us have to reach this point in life. This is a period of clear communication, and patient support. Care becomes centered on comfort rather than cure, relief, not rescue. As a trauma therapist, it was common to witness people experiencing anxiety, fear of dying, sadness or unresolved grief. Some people experience depression or withdrawal, some think deeply on their life’s meaning. Other families struggle with anticipatory grief, stress, and helplessness. During my time at 29 Palms Marine Corps Base, conducting trauma de-briefings with war veterans, revealed end-of-life issues and awakened spiritual exploration and questions about life’s purpose, the afterlife, and a sense of peace with one’s journey. There are no atheists sitting in a Marine Personnel Carrier (MPC) troop carrier when 50-caliber rounds are piercing through metal.
When I took care of my mother suffering from dementia, it was about offering dignity, kindness and presence to a fragile mother nearing the end of her life. The final stage of my parents life brought with it a complex mix of emotional, physical, spiritual and practical challenges, for me, my sisters and my parents. The final Christmas with my mother, was filled with reflection, fear, tenderness and deep compassion. I was bursting with sadness observing her as I attempted to offer her comfort. Dealing with her I turned inward to reflect on life’s deeper questions seeking peace and purpose. A serious illness whether it’s chronic, life-threatening, or suddenly life-changing is one of the most challenging experiences a person can endure. It touches every part of life: physical health, emotional balance, relationships, spiritual beliefs, and even identity. Serious illness brings hardship, it can also awaken strength, clarity, and meaning. A serious diagnosis can bring a wave of emotions, fear, anger, sadness, confusion, even denial: it did with me.
Taking care of my sick mother-in-law, my wife and I were home helpers. I found this to be both a practical service and a deeply human calling. It involved providing daily support with bathing, dressing, cooking, medication reminders and companionship. But it was also the chance to show love and appreciation for her previous constant devotion as a mother, it also awakened strength, clarity, and meaning. My sister-in-law participated, and we felt waves of emotions of fear, anger, sadness, confusion, even denial. The next step was hospice. Until that point, we were all experiencing emotional fatigue, physical strain and time pressures, but “mom” knew we were there, she felt safe, valued, even in her most vulnerable stage of life. We were respectful, observant and trustworthy while watching for signs of decline, offering emotional support. But with long hours and managing, we were struggling with burnout, grief, and needed support for ourselves. Spiritual devotion was important for our internal strength, prayer and quiet meditation provided patience and calmness under pressure.
The end of life is never easy, but with support, compassion and understanding, it can be a time of peace, reconciliation and love. We still had to sort through a will and end-of-life wishes. Decisions around hospice care and funeral arrangements were discussed. These discussions were difficult yet offered peace of mind and clarity. There is strength in facing what is difficult. And there is healing of the spirit when faced with love, grace and hope. To walk with someone in their final days is not only a responsibility, but also a privilege of the heart.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hilary Valdez is a freelancer living in Tokyo, Japan. He is an experienced Mental Health professional and Resiliency Trainer. Valdez is a former Marine and has worked with the military most of his career and most recently worked at Camp Zama as a Master Resiliency Trainer. Valdez now has a private practice and publishes books on social and psychological issues. His books are available on Amazon and for Kindle. Learn more about Valdez and contact him at his website or email. Follow his YouTube channel Hilary’s Quick Talk for more insights.
